Why do lies come wrapped in tissues?
Who would push an open door?
Am I really ‘Yours sincerely’
When we’ve never met before?

Why is elegance always classic?
Why is frost a man called Jack?
Who has ever begged your pardon?
See what monkey on your back?

Are all suspects armed and dangerous?
Where’s this level playing-field?
When is the eleventh hour?
Are the fates of all men sealed?

Why do people say ‘Don’t go there’
When you’ve never left the room?
When were you last bored to tears?
Why must prophets foretell doom?

Ever seen a wood that’s treeless?
Why is envy always green?
Why is life a bitch, you bastard?
Can the whole nine yards be seen?

What’s it all about then, Alfie?
By and large, I’d have to say,
When the rock has met the hard place —
Leave no stone unturned — OK?